A Gilderoy Lockhart Story
by kymm
Summary: Mmmkay...this is all four of my GL stories put together. Since you all seem to think they're so funny, I put it under humor...


**A GILDEROY LOCKHART STORY**

This is a combination of my three Lockhart stories: 

I: A Last Resort

II: Meetings 

III: An Hour With Lockhart

And a BRAND NEW part…

****

IV: The Broken Heart of Sir Gilderoy Lockhart

I don't own any characters, just the plot and story, dialogue etc., which is © Katrine Potter, 2000****

Professor Albus Dumbledore, headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sat in his office. It had been weeks since he posted the want ad in the Daily Prophet, the newspaper, and yet nobody had applied. The ad was for the Defense Against the Dark Arts job, and still nobody had applied! It was a well paying job, but still... no one! Dumbledore didn't understand.

It's probably because, he reminded himself, there were rumors that the post was jinxed. No teacher had lasted more than 1 year in the post. Well, there had been deaths, accidents, murders by the Dark Lord Voldemort (while he was in power, of course) and good old Quirrel last year, who was a servant to Voldemort. 

But still, someone had to apply some one courageous, one who snorted at the rumors. Yes, someone would come along, Dumbledore assured himself. 

What he hadn't planned on was for a complete self-centered idiot to come along and take the job.

It was two weeks before term, and still no DADA teacher. Professor Dumbledore was very nervous about this, as was Professor McGonagall, the deputy headmistress. Severus Snape, the Potions teacher, had offered to take the post in addition. Dumbledore had flatly refused him.

"Why Severus, you have enough to do as it is!" Dumbledore had told him in a pleasant tone, hoping he'd buy it. Dumbledore knew that Severus could be nice at times, but he was always mean to the students, with the exception of Draco Malfoy, who he seemed to like. 

"Headmaster, I'm more than qualified to fill the position." Snape had replied.

"No Severus. I'm afraid the answer is no. You should concentrate on your potions position alone." 

Snape then left the office, cursing under his breath. 

But now Dumbledore was beginning to wonder if Snape would have to take the position. No one had applied, and he meant nobody. Not even a prankster, with a goofy name like 'Ura Snotball'. No one!

"What luck." Muttered Dumbledore as he turned around in his chair to look out the window in his office. Suddenly, out of nowhere there appeared an owl, flying towards his from the distance. An owl messenger! The owl dropped a letter on his desk. It was labeled: Professor Albus Dumbledore. He opened the letter, and read:

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

I have read in the Daily Prophet that you are looking for a defense against the dark arts teacher. As I know all there is to know about the Dark Arts, and defense against them, I would be the perfect choice. I have combated the Wagga Wagga Werewolf, defeated the Brazilian Banshee, and have won Witch's Weekly Most Charming Smile Award for five years running! But I don't talk about that. I would be your perfect choice.

Yours Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

Order of Merlin, 3rd Class

Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League

Five-Time winner of Witch's Weekly Most Charming Smile Award 

Well, he seems qualified enough, thought Dumbledore after he was done reading. Cock also, said a nasty voice in his head. "Well, he seems to be the only man for the job." Sighed Dumbledore, and he wrote back saying he would like an interview, tomorrow, 1:00 in the afternoon.

The next day at noon, Professor Dumbledore was having a quiet lunch in the staffroom when who should walk in but Professor McGonagall and Rubeus Hagrid, the gamekeeper. They both walked to where Dumbledore was eating, and took a seat. 

"Really Dumbledore, the wackiest rumors have been going around." Professor McGonagall said, with a note of humor in her voice. That was very unusual, as McGonagall was normally quite strict and serious.

"What might those be?" Asked Dumbledore with a smile.

"Well...that you've hired Gilderoy Lockhart for the DADA post!" She replied.

"My, my Minerva, facts travel quite fast." Dumbledore said.

"You've hired HIM?" McGonagall said, obviously shocked. "I mean that man is such a...a..." Her voice trailed off, and she looked at the wall furiously. She snorted, and continued. "I had him in my transfiguration class, and he always acted like such a nerd! He was giving me TIPS on how to run my class!" It sounded like she had wanted to say that for a long time.

"I've not hired him yet, Minerva, but there is a good chance that I will. For he's the only man who has applied. In fact, I'm interviewing him, at 1:00, today." Dumbledore said sadly. "I know he is a little...self-loving, with all his fame and die-hard fans, but if he's qualified enough, I'll have no choice." 

Hagrid frowned. " Professor Dumbledore, sir, I hope yeh understan', if he goes 'round givin' me tips, I'll knock 'is brains out."

With that said, Hagrid stomped out of the room. McGonagall said, "I do hope you'll find someone else for the post, Albus." She walked away also. Dumbledore looked at his watch and muttered, " I should get going, it's 3 to one..." With a swish of a cloak, he was gone.

Dumbledore appeared in his office out of thin air. Well, of course, he had apparated there, which meant he used magic to get him there, in his office, quickly. 

At last, about 5 minutes late, the door to Dumbledore's office burst open. In came a panting, breathless Gilderoy Lockhart.

Lockhart had curly blonde hair, and shinning, dazzling white teeth. Dumbledore thought he looked rather conceited. 

"Sorry I'm late, Headmaster, but autograph sessions...they can run long. Oh, as you know, I've written many great books and the fans...oh, they adore me. Especially the ladies!" He flashed a smile, and it really did take all of Dumbledore's power not to roll his eyes.

"Well, Mr. Lockhart, tell me please any experiences you've had combating the Dark Arts." Dumbledore said in a professional tone. 

Albus Dumbledore hardly ever made any mistakes, as headmaster he couldn't afford to. But asking that question had to be one of the worst mistakes he'd ever made. Lockhart seemed to drone on forever, about werewolf encounters, banishing of banshees, and removing of yetis. Dumbledore tried to listen, but after 25 minutes he couldn't stand it anymore. 

He coughed loudly and said, "Well, Mr. Lockhart, it appears to me that you have plenty of experience." He smiled faintly. "Welcome to the team, Gilderoy, or shall I say, Professor." Lockhart flashed another conceited smile, and then gasped, "Oh my! I have yet another book signing to go to. Good day, Albus!" He walked out of the office, talking of the bothers of being so wonderfully famous. Dumbledore sighed, this time out of pity for the students of Hogwarts.

He did pity the students, because this year they got a bragging, self-loving, self-centered, famous nerd for their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Oh well, it couldn't be blamed on him. Because after all, it had been a last resort. 

****

The End of the First Part of _A Gilderoy Lockhart Story_

Part II: _Meetings _

After Professor Albus Dumbledore hired Gilderoy Lockhart for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, he had been hovering around the school like an annoying fly, pestering everybody about how to properly do things, and boasting about his books, and his many adventures.

Easily most annoyed was Minerva McGonagall. On more than one occasion, Lockhart had been seen walking with her down the hallways saying things like, "You know, Professor, you could improve your transfiguring by swishing you wand like this..." or "Perhaps, Minerva, you should consider saying your s's more crisply when you transfigure. You could read it yourself in Year With the Yetti, where I transfigure that rock into a weapon." These days, McGonagall looked ready to explode. 

Lockhart spent all of his free time at Hogwarts, when he wasn't at a book signing or whatever. He waltzed around, giving tips to people when they weren't asked for. 

By the time the week after he was hired came along, everyone was in much higher spirits, as in exactly a week, term would start, and they'd have students to talk to, and they wouldn't have to talk with Lockhart so such.

On Wednesday of that week, Professor Snape was cleaning up the dungeons for Potions Class. As he was scrubbing out the cauldrons from tubeworms and caterpillars, in came Gilderoy Lockhart. Snape muttered, "Oh no, here we go." 

Lockhart approached the cauldron he was currently cleaning out and said, "Well, hello Severus! Perhaps you could use some tips on how to teach the Second Years their Forgetfulness Concoction!"

"Not today, and most certainly not by you!" Snape replied as...politely as possible. 

"Or maybe I could teach you how to be more chippery, like myself!"

"Oh," Snape whispered, "I doubt anybody would like another you around here." 

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, for one thing, nobody likes you. They don't like you giving out tips, so leave me alone." Snape said angrily, and he started to wonder who he detested the most: Gilderoy Lockhart, or Harry Potter.

  
"All right Severus, I'll leave you alone, to your work. I am very glad that I'm not a student being taught by you." He flashed a smile. "I'd rather be a student being taught by me!" He haughtily sprang out of Snape's dungeon, leaving Snape foaming at the mouth in anger.

Snape wasn't the only teacher being aggravated by Lockhart's annoying ways. Almost everyone had a complaint about Lockhart. 

All the teachers, with the exception of Albus Dumbledore and Gilderoy Lockhart, were sitting in the staffroom the Wednesday of Snape's run in with Lockhart. The topic of discussion: Ways Lockhart had annoyed them, and ways to snipe him off.

Professor McGonagall was storming around the room. "I hate the man. He is so, intruding!" She roared. 

"Or cocky." Said Hagrid.

Snape stood up and said, "He waltzed into the dungeon today, trying to give me tips on how to make a Forgetfulness Concoction!" 

Professor Binns drawled, sounding rather offended, "He walked right through me yesterday."

Professor Flitwick also had a story to share. "It all happened last Sunday..."

**Professor Flitwick was walking down the Charms Corridor, to get to the charms classroom. He was almost there when he ran into Gilderoy Lockhart. He groaned, wondering how he was going to escape. He couldn't turn around, as that was where Lockhart was coming from. If he kept going foreword, he'd come to the classroom, but it was likely that was where he was going, since the hallway was a dead end.

"Well, well, well, Professor Flitwick! Pleasure meeting you here!" Lockhart said.

Flitwick could think of better things other than 'pleasure' but he didn't voice them.

Instead he replied, "Good morning Gilderoy."

"You know, I could concoct a charm that will make you taller." Lockhart said cheerfully. 

"No. I like being short." 

__

"Shorter than the rest of your students? _I _could fix that with a simple charm." 

Flitwick turned around and looked up and Lockhart. "So could I, if I wanted to." He walked past Lockhart, and went back downstairs to the Great Hall. He could only pray that Lockhart wasn't following. Fortunately, he wasn't.**

"Yes! That is exactly what he does to me!" McGonagall said after Flitwick was finished with his story. 

"Now. We shall think of ways to rid of him." Snape said icily. 

Everyone laughed at that. McGonagall said, "Wouldn't that be fun. If it weren't illegal to kill people."

"We could get him fired." Suggested Professor Vectra of Arithmancy.

"Or, we could ignore him." Said Flitwick

"That would be the ideal solution...if he weren't so annoying." Replied McGonagall.

Suddenly, the staffroom door burst open. There stood Gilderoy Lockhart. "I'm sorry, an autograph session. Am I missing anything? You know, I could run the meeting, I've always been good at that." 

"Actually, Gilderoy, this meeting is over. You can run a meeting with yourself, if you'd like." Said Snape with a twisted smile.

At that statement, everybody rose from their seats and walked out of the room, leaving Lockhart to eat their dust. As they left, Hagrid muttered to McGonagall, "I shoulda knocked his brains out when ah had the chance. If he even gots any brains. Heheh." 

Even after the meeting, they still had a whole year with Lockhart. Every week after that, they continued to have meetings about Lockhart. They called themselves the 'Lockhart Hate Society', and for a good reason, too.

****

The end of the second part of _A Gilderoy Lockhart Story_. 

****

Part III _An Hour with Lockhart_

It was three days before the start-of-term, and morale amongst the staff of Hogwarts couldn't have been higher. That was probably because it was only three days until the students had to share the pain of Lockhart with them.

Well, of course, the Gilderoy Lockhart Hate Society was still going strong. Nobody ever seemed to be at a loss of things to complain about. Lockhart has stopped bugging them at the meetings, saying that he was honored. 

Why he felt honored was a whole other story. They say that he thought that the meetings were to say good things about him, such as his many feats and his charming smile. Well, as you know, he couldn't have been more wrong.

Well, on the same third-day-before-start-of-term, Minerva McGonagall was walking down the hallway, towards the transfiguration room. As all teachers do, she needed to get some before term work done, such as lesson plans. As she walked, she made a mental note to dust off the Sorting Hat. Minerva was not in a very good mood, because she was busy with everything. The last person she wanted to run into was Gilderoy Lockhart, for obvious reasons. 

Well, guess what. She did. She almost ran him over, for she really wasn't looking where she was going. The only way she even knew she ran into was when he said, "Why, hello Minerva!" As you can see, she was very preoccupied. 

At the sound of his voice, Minerva groaned and replied, "Yes, Gilderoy." 

Lockhart merely smiled wider and said, "Well, Well. Somebody sounds cranky! Perhaps you'd care for a Friendliness Brew-" 

"I'll ask Prof. Snape, thanks." Said Minerva pleasantly, hoping she sounded pleasant. If Lockhart didn't notice anything peculiar about you, such as if you're too sad, or angry, he would just say, "All right than, good-bye!" and then hippie-skip away. 

Lockhart continued to grin at her, so Minerva gave him a glare of death, and tried to pass him by. She succeeded, and continued to trek to the classroom, feeling somewhat relieved, and somewhat lucky. 

Minerva was almost positive Lockhart didn't follow her, because she didn't hear any noises. Normally when Lockhart was around you, he jabbered until you couldn't stand it anymore. So, to Minerva, silence was a good sign. 

Soon she arrived at the door to her classroom. She opened it, feeling happy. As frustrating as it might be to prepare for a term, Minerva still liked to teach. She almost skipped to the corner of the room. For some reason, her encounter with Lockhart had reminded her that she had to get some lesson books out of her storage area. The storage area was a small hidden passage in the corner, and almost no one knew that it was there, with the exception of Dumbledore. 

One thing Minerva had to remember about the area was that if you closed it, and you were inside, the door was locked from the inside, and you couldn't get out. Well, actually, you could use your wand, but that was rather a bother.

She opened the door, and was greeted by the smell of musk. She frowned, and crawled on her knees into the storage area. 

Minerva had only crawled in about 4 feet when she heard a _SLAM_! She turned around, and saw Lockhart, again. 

She was so enraged she could barely see straight. She breathed in deeply, and then gasped out, "You, you, you, pathetic moron! Did you know that the door locks from the inside? Oh, wait. I'm sorry. In order to know something, you have to have a brain!" 

Lockhart looked rather shocked. "I can get us out, with a simple floramora wand charm." He dug around in his robes, and then, apologetically muttered, "Well! The old memory's failing me! I wonder what I did with my wand..." 

Minerva glared at him, and then retorted, "Move out of the way. I'll do it." She then dug into her robes, looking for her own wand. She opened her eyes wide, and a cold dread came upon her. "Oh, no. I've left my wand in the classroom! Oh, great! Now I'm stuck here, with you!" She glared at Lockhart, and then quietly added, "It's all your fault, Lockhart." 

Lockhart, however, seemed to be his same, chippery self. He smiled at Minerva, and said, "Why, Minerva! Most fans, such as yourself, would be honored to be caught with me! In a deserted area, too!" Lockhart suddenly looked at her suspiciously. "Now, don't get any ideas. I do have a girlfriend!" Lockhart then fell over dramatically and gasped out, "Oh, NO! I think I've broken Minerva McGonagall's heart! She's had her eye set on me since I was a handsome young man, and know finds out I'm not available!" 

He looked at her sadly, and then said, "Well, I know you're sad, so maybe this song I invented will cheer you up! It has a pop beat, but it might sadden you, in our odd position!" 

Lockhart suddenly stood halfway up, until his head hit the low ceiling, and began to sing: 

"_Oops! I did it again!_

I played with your heart-."

Minerva interrupted him by saying, "You did not make that up! That's a Muggle song, by Britney Spears!" She glared at him, and grumbled, "I do teach Muggle studies." (A/N: I think she does!) 

She then said, "I do NOT have some childish crush on you, and I wish that you'd just shut the hell up!" It was very rare of Minerva McGonagall to swear at somebody, but in this case, she really didn't care. 

Minerva turned away from Lockhart to face the wall. She tried to think of some way to get out of there. She sat there for what felt like hours, trying to think of a way out. 

Lockhart interrupted the silence and said, "I once encountered something like this in Berlin, Germany-." 

Minerva sighed and said, "I really don't care, Lockhart." He slumped against the wall and said nothing. A few minutes later, Lockhart continued, anyway. "I didn't have a wand, so I just did it the Muggle way. I screamed for help." Minerva looked at him in surprise. "Well, for once that it is very good thinking. But somehow, I can't imagine you doing that." 

Lockhart ignored her and shouted, "_Help! The great Gilderoy Lockhart is trapped, and has with him a damsel in distress_!!" Minerva sighed. "Figures." She muttered. 

Suddenly the door burst open, and there knelt Albus Dumbledore. "Well, there you are, Minerva! I've been looking all over for you. I wanted to go over some schedules with you. Come out, now!" Minerva eagerly crawled out and walked away, leaving the door of the storage area open for Lockhart to get out. 

As soon as they were in the hallway, Dumbledore asked, "Why were you in there?" 

Minerva smiled, very weakly, and thought to herself, 'Well, at least I'll have something to contribute to the next GLHS meeting...'

****

The end of the third part of _A Gilderoy Lockhart Story_

****

Now, onto the NEW (and final) part of _A Gilderoy Lockhart Story_

IV: The Broken Heart of Sir Gilderoy Lockhart 

Two weeks had passed since Minerva McGonagall and Gilderoy Lockhart had been trapped together, and term was full under way. Minerva had tried to forget the incident (as it was so scary to be trapped with him) but Lockhart seemed to joy in it. He followed poor Minerva around everywhere, though she often told him to go away. Nothing seemed to dampen his spirits. 

Rumors were flying among the staff and the students. They had seen Lockhart around her, so, obviously, they started spreading rumors. 

The students were starting to say that the two professors were involved. Someone had even said that they had seen them together in the broom shed doing…well, you-know-what. But that was most likely was started by Kathryn Bones, a Ravenclaw 5th year who had gotten detention from McGonagall, and was pretty mad at her. 

The staff was beginning to distrust McGonagall, seeing Lockhart around her all the time. They thought that she had fell for Lockhart and his 'greatness', and that she was going to backstab them at any minute. 

McGonagall hadn't done any of those things, and wasn't going to do any of them. She still hated Lockhart with all of her power. She wanted him to go away. 

Of course he didn't. 

* * * * 

****

On a Monday morning, Prof. McGonagall was hurrying down the Great Hall towards the Transfiguration classroom. Class was due to start in 2 minutes, and surely she couldn't be late. What would the students think of strict, serious organized Professor McGonagall if she was late? Probably much less, or that is at least what McGonagall thought. So, she was in a great hurry. 

She was turning a corner when out popped…Gilderoy Lockhart! 

Well, McGonagall was not quite over the 'trapping' incident, so she didn't bother to be polite. "Out of the way, Lockhart. I'm going to be late." 

"Oh my dearest Minerva!" Lockhart said with a slight quiver in his voice. It indeed sounded as if he was going to cry. "My…girlfriend…b-broke u-up with me!" He gave a tragic sob. 

"I cannot imagine why." 

Lockhart, who was now far behind McGonagall hurried foreword and clasped her in his arms. "Hold me." He said. 

Minerva growled. "I don't have time for nonsense, Lockhart." Lockhart buried his face in Minerva's neck and whispered, "I love you." 

McGonagall ripped Lockhart off of her and flung him into the wall. She was heaving. "Go…away." 

"I love you." He repeated. 

"Well, guess what. I don't. As a matter of fact, I hate you. Good day." She said. 

Minerva hurried down the hall. As she finally approached the Transfiguration class she could vaguely hear Lockhart say, "Oh…Minerva. Give me a chance! I'll send you an owl!" 

She ignored him and approached the door. She didn't see Hermione Granger standing right next to her. Well, not until she said, "Professor, if I could ask, what was that about?" 

Minerva looked at her and said, in her normal strict tone, "Nothing, Ms. Granger. Have a seat."

* * * * 

Later, Hermione told Ron and Harry about what she heard Professor Lockhart shout from down the hallway. 

Harry rolled his eyes. 

Ron just said, "What have I told you, Hermione? Lockhart is a stupid git." 

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!! (finally) 

PLEASEEEEEEEE REVIEW! 

[Email Me][1] with MORE CRITICISM!! 

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   [1]: mailto:katrinepotter@angelfire.com



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